


Notice Us

by TheCephalopodAgency



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Crack, De-Anon I guess, Gen, k!meme garbage, or whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 21:34:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9626552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCephalopodAgency/pseuds/TheCephalopodAgency
Summary: Red Templars show up at Skyhold with the goal of speaking to the Inquisitor. Very serious story. Definitely not crack. Everyone is wearing pants, I promise.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for the Kink Nene. It's high quality, serious literature. (But not really...)

Lavellan woke with a start as the sound of warning bells rang. Confused, he was quickly on his feet and on his balcony.

"Are you KIDDING me?!" He shrieked as he made out the Red Templars in the distance, climbing up the mountain and marching towards Skyhold. Wasting no time, Lavellan rushed to his closet and began shoving his body into the Keeper Robes he'd used since he'd found them in Sylaise's Temple.

In his haste, and due to his drowsiness, he accidentally put his leg through his sleeve, leaving him in an embarrassing predicament when one of Leliana's lady scouts bashed through his door to warn him about the approaching enemies.

"The Red Templars are invading, Lord Inquisitor..." For a few seconds they looked at each other, eyes locked. The lady scout wiggled her eyebrows and whistled.

"I see them, now let me get dressed!" He shouted, his face as red as the center of an Embrium flower as the female scout appeared to size him up. She slipped back out with a grin and a wave, and Lavellan knew he'd be teased about this forever unless he died fighting Templars.

Finally dressed properly, Lavellan grabbed his staff and ran to the balcony, jumping over the rail and landing safely on the ground, conveniently next to his general, who was used to his strange method of travel by now, and didn't even flinch.

"What's going on Cullen?" He demanded, looking prickly and completely unhappy.

"Well, Inquisitor, the Red Templars are marching towards us, It's dark, and cold, and like, half of our men are still drunk from that party Josephine threw after you went to bed early."

"Wait, she threw another party after I went to bed?"

"Yeah, it was awesome. It's too bad you're such a lightweight."

"But we defeated Corypheus a month ago!" Lavellan insisted. "Why are you still having parties? Why only after I go to bed?"

"Fuck if I know," Cullen shrugged. "But now we're kind of outnumbered. I knew we should have killed all the Templars at that stupid Temple, but someone decided to teleport home early through magical mirrors." He shot an accusatory look at Lavellan, who rolled his eyes.

"Go suck it, Cullen," he replied. Cullen frowned.

"Ass," he mumbled under his breath.

"I heard that, Cullen." He wiggled his ears. "My elf ears hear everything."

Just then, one of the warriors under Cullen's command ran up to them, out of breath and appearing to be heavily intoxicated, which Lavellan called him out on.

"Sssshhory In... in... Inqui..." He struggled with 'Inquisitor' for nearly a minute before finally just stopping at 'Inqui'.

"Maker damn you Ted, I told you not to drink so much!" Cullen finally shouted, throwing his hands up.

"Sssshhory cuh.... cuhm... cumin..." He struggled for another minute. "Coriander."

"God damn it." Cullen facepalmed so hard he left a mark on the other side of his head.

"Is this seriously the best we have to offer?" Lavellan groaned. "How in Mythal's name did we survive the main quest? UGH. Whatever. What do you want Ted?"

Unfortunatly, before Ted could answer, his drunkenness caught up with him and he passed out, landing face-first in a puddle of mud. There was a piece of paper gripped between his fingers, which Lavellan pried away and unfolded.

"What does it say?"

"It says..." Lavellan scanned the note, frowning. "It's a picture of a butt wearing a Templar helmet." They looked at each other.

"Sera."

By this point, most of the army was stumbling out of their barracks in varying stages of dress. Luckily, at least half of them were wearing pants. Unfortunately, that meant the other half weren't. Lavellan covered his face and groaned. Only half of his army running around flashing Templars might sound good on paper, until you realize that those wearing pants weren't necessarily wearing them on their legs.

"I hate my life," Lavellan whined. "Why can't we have a nice army, Cullen?" He turned his large, innocent puppy eyes on the Coriander- Commander, trying his hardest to look vulnerable and upset. Cullen ignored him and drew his sword instead, to address the army. Lavellan pouted, kicking at a rock by his bare foot.

"Men!" Cullen shouted, waving his sword theatrically. "As you can well see, we are being marched upon!" A roar of agreement rolled over the crowd. "We will not let our victory over Corypheus be spoiled by these Red Templars! We will not allow Skyhold to become the next Haven!" There was more yelling from the troops.

"We will meet them at the gates! Charge!"

And with a mighty, simultaneous battle cry, the entire army preceded to trip over eachother and land in a large pile of drunk, smelly man holding swords.

"Oh Maker! My eye!" Someone shrieked. "It's in my eye!"

"Oh sweet Maker," Cullen breathed. "That's not a sword..."

Lavellan's staff fell to the ground. His fingers were too weak to grip the the wood any longer. His expression blanked out completely as he sat on the stairs leading up to the main hall, hanging his head and holding his face in his hands. It was now that the various members of his inner circle who hadn't totally abandoned him arrived to save the day.

The Iron Bull came charging from the Tavern with his giant spoon across his back. Cassandra ran from the armory with a banana nailed to a stick and a wheel of cheese she'd stolen from Blackwall. Cole materialized out of fucking nowhere like a thing just to his left and Sera climbed on top of the puddle of soldiers, making some sort of lewd gesture and cackling like a madwoman.

"Inquisitor!" Leliana was suddenly above him, having run down the stairs in nothing but her wheat-print pajamas and her nug slippers. Her bow and arrows were drawn, but she didn't look worried. Then again, she never looked worried. Or mildly distressed, if Lavellan thought about it.

"The Templars have sent a messenger to the gates. He wishes to speak with you."

"What-- how do you know that? You aren't even dressed!" She chuckled knowingly.

"I know everything Inquisitor. You shouldn't even be surprised. By the way, Dorian sent you a letter. It should arrive in about three hours and thirteen seconds. It was quite steamy, by the way. I wouldn't open it until you have some... privacy."

"Dread Wolf take me, I cannot deal with this," Lavellan sighed. Suddenly, he felt a strange chill go up his spine, and the whispers from the well he'd not heard for a month or so were giggling at him.

"Ugh. I don't even care. I'll meet with him." Lavellan hopped to his feet, if only to get away from the mess in his yard, and jumped down to the courtyard. Standing just outside the gates was a massive Templar. Much to Lavellan's confusion, the invaders had sent a Behemoth to speak with him. Considering Behemoths mouths were sealed with Red Lyrium crystals, Lavellan had no idea what this meeting was going to accomplish.

"Alright," he started, trying to find the Templar's eyes. "What do you want, and why do you want it at like three in the morning?" To be honest, Lavellan wasn't expecting an answer from the Templar, considering he had no visible mouth, but much to his shock, the voice that poured from his hidden lips was pleasent, sporting some sort of fancy Starkhaven accent.

"Lord Inquisitor," the Behemoth started. "It has recently come to the attention of my superiors that you alone have defeated our former employer, Lord Corypheus."

"Yes...?" That was true. Corypheus was just a smear on the ground in the Fade somewhere by now.

"According to section 3-A of our contract, the service of the Red Templar army belongs to the Inquisition, based on the following..." He cleared his throat and read off the section of his contract that stated the Inquisition was now in charge because they killed their boss, because somehow that makes more sense than getting revenge on the guy who killed like, half of the entire Templar Order in probably like a month.

"Wait, what?" Lavellan wasn't quite sure he'd heard that correctly.

"You are our Sempai, Lord Inquisitor," the Behemoth restated. "Will you notice us?"

Suddenly, the reality of the situation caught up to him, and combined with the stress of dealing with all this, he completely passed the fuck out. In a manly, befitting of of the Inquisitor kind of way.

If anyone had told the Inquisitor he was going to have to judge every single Red Templar individually for their crimes, he never would have allowed himself to wake up, either.

**Author's Note:**

> I lied about the pants. Sorry.


End file.
